My anxiety is a jealous anxiety. It has been the center of my life for so long. Controlling my thoughts, decisions, relationships and life. It has been the one thing that has always been there no matter what. My constant companion, my best friend. The one thing that never let me down. Now that I’m moving forward with my healing though and introducing hopes, dreams, love and happiness into my life my anxiety doesn’t get the attention it wants. And it craves attention. I thought I had it under control. I thought I was doing so well. For so long I was feeling good. Life was good. I knew all of my triggers and I would not let it get the best of me again.
I decided to try and let some happy into my life. I was ready to start living the life I’ve always wanted. I was hopeful and eager. Maybe I can be normal after all. Maybe my damage doesn’t determine who I am or where I go in life. Maybe, just maybe things will really start going good for me. I started to see a future for myself that could be full of goodness and good people. And I thought I could start to let my guard down and feel safe. I was ready to take risks and see where life took me. I was ready to be open and trust.
I wasn’t thinking about my damage and my anxiety as much anymore. And my anxiety got pissed. It got jealous. How dare I not be consumed with the damage of my past. How dare I think maybe for a moment I could be happy. So it decided to remind me it was still there. But I was stubborn. I didn’t wan to give my anxiety the attention it was demanding. I didn’t want to acknowledge the the triggers that were starting to come forward at the absolute worst time. Triggers that I had not had before and didn’t understand. Triggers that caught me off guard and left me feeling confused and frustrated. I wanted to cling to the peace and happiness I was feeling in life. I wanted to cling to the calm and ignore the storm that was approaching fast.
And I realized too late the mistake I had made. When I don’t face my anxiety head on I can spiral into self destructive behavior. When I self destruct I can hurt myself and those around me. The more overwhelmed I get the more I will push people away. I start to believe there’s no way something good could be happening to me. Good things don’t happen to me. My anxiety is brought on not by what could happen but from what has already happened. Knowing that these things that happened to me, the pain I’ve been through could easily happen again if I let my guard down even for a moment. I start expecting things to fall apart, and when they don’t I get in my own way. It’s like no matter how much I want it I can’t let the happiness be real. I don’t want to be this way. I didn’t choose to be abused. I didn’t choose the scars and damage that I’m stuck with. I didn’t choose any of this. But it is my burden and my responsibility. I want to change, to be better, whole and happy. And I am trying my hardest to heal and become the best version of myself. The kind of person people are happy to have in their life. I stumble, I fall and I act like a complete idiot sometimes. Sometimes I get overwhelmed and freak out. Sometimes I just suck, I get that and I own it. But I’m fighting my hardest not to let my anxiety win. And I just hope that those people in my life that truly care for me can be patient and forgiving while I try to figure all of this out. This is my anxiety but it is not me. It does not define who I am.