I know I’m strong. You don’t survive the things I’ve survived without being strong. My strength is what has kept me alive this long. My strength is what drives me everyday. Often I will hear from others about how strong I am. Especially after writing a new post that is vulnerable and raw, which I do appreciate. But the truth is I’m tired of being strong. I’m tired of having it all together. Some days I want to be weak, if only for a moment. I want to fall apart, to really be vulnerable without being afraid. But there’s no one to catch me when I fall. I know there are plenty of people who care for me and are there for me. But if I break there’s no one there to help pick up the pieces. No one that knows the darkest parts of my soul. To be honest though I don’t know if there’s anyone that could truly handle the darkness inside of me. The me when I feel the darkness creeping in and wonder if this time it will finally consume me.
So I keep it together. I pull myself out of the darkness again. Fighting it off for another day. Find that small flicker of light inside me and cling to it. Fan the flames on my own until I start feeling the better me shining through again. Reminding myself I can handle anything life sends my way on my own. I’ve been fighting these demons by myself for as long as I can remember. So I convince myself I can keep doing this. I have to keep doing this, I have people who depend on me. I have to keep being strong on my own. I can’t fall apart and go back to the shell of a person I was not long ago. I don’t think I would survive that again. So I find the strength within myself because I’m the only one I can rely on.
Honestly though I don’t mind being alone. I’m good at it by now, maybe it even suits me. Maybe it’s how it was always meant to be. This isn’t to get comforting words or sympathy. This isn’t even really for me. This is for all of the other people out there fighting so hard to stay strong because they know they don’t have the option not to be. I want others who are fighting their battles and demons on their own to know that even though they are alone they aren’t alone in feeling alone. You aren’t alone in feeling tired of being strong. You aren’t alone in wishing you had someone to catch you when you fall. I don’t have anything uplifting or encouraging to say. Because it sucks. Being at this place in life is hard and frustrating. And no one knows your real struggles and the depth of your pain like you do. I know I’m not the only person out there who knows what it feels like to fight these battles alone wishing you could find a moment of peace in someone else’s strength. So this is for you. It’s ok to be tired of being strong. It’s ok to want to be weak. Because our battles are long, exhausting and lonely. I won’t say you’re never truly alone because maybe you are. But what I will say is I get it, I really frigging get it. Being strong while alone is exhausting but it’s worth it. Even in the darkest days it’s worth it to keep being strong. Even though I’m so tired of being strong it will always be worth it. I will continue being strong but my strength exhausts me.