Yes, this is going to be one of those bluntly honest posts. Sometimes a little blunt honesty is needed to heal though. Part of the healing process for me is learning to really examine myself. To figure out the areas of myself and my life that still need improvement. Recently there was an incident that happened in my life that has really been bothering me. I made some mistakes, mistakes I should have known better than to make. I’ve really been trying to figure out why I acted the way I did and what brought on these actions. And it hit me that my anxiety has been changing. Part of that change it would seem is apparently my anxiety can really make me a selfish b*tch! There is no other way to put it. I look back on what happened and just think “Oh my God. Who was that person”? I know that’s not who I really am.
So why? Why did I act and react the way that I did? I’m normally patient and understanding to a fault. Always taking other people’s feelings into consideration before my own. Why did I act so selfishly and not see past my own emotions and my own feelings? Why did I cause drama where no drama was needed? Why did I act so out of character and like the kind of person I never wanted to be? Why did my self-destruction go beyond myself this time? I truly believe part of the reason is I started to feel safe. A kind of safe that was new for me. A safety I didn’t quite understand. Before I confronted my abuse and started to understand it and it’s damage I always kept everything buried deep down. Always kept close control over ever feeling and every emotion. Never feeling the safety needed to be vulnerable and honest about how I really felt. Never feeling like I could really open up and be my true self, until I felt this safety.
And that kind of safety scared me. It triggered me and a part of my anxiety manifested in a way I was unprepared for. I knew my anxiety was making me feel insecure and disposable. I knew it was making me want to retreat back into the safety of myself. But what I didn’t realize until I really looked back and examined the situation was how much of a selfish b*tch it made me. I see it now, dang do I ever see it. And with it comes a new wave of frustration and shame. Because it’s not who I am and not who I want to be. I want to be better than that. I have to be better than that. Now that I see it though I understand it. I can own it and accept it. I know now what I’m capable of becoming so I can learn how to prevent it from happening again and I will learn. Because God knows I never want to act like that again, never want to be that person again. So I’m going to do what it takes to change and to be better. It will be a fight but some of the best things in life are worth the fight. And when I find something worth fighting for I don’t give up.